random thoughts, subject to change

10/Jul/2023

i used to use social media effectively as a place to vent where only people i was aware of, at the very least, would see it. it has been brought home to me very effectively over the last week that newstyle social media platforms, in the death throes of twitter, are not designed at all to have any privacy. all these federated platforms throw your posts algorithmically into the faces of people you've never even heard of. i can't deal with it. i can't handle even the tiny bit of pushback i get from strangers to the minor venting i want to be able to do, so. i'm going to try and transition that to here. like a diary. like a letter to the anxious part of my brain. Dear Brain Horse, if you will.

so

Dear Brain Horse

today my eyes still hurt. it's been a week. i thought it was eye strain from not having external screens to use at work with my laptop (the laptop broke) but it's been a week and my eyes still feel bruised and the lowlevel headache at the back of my skull, where i vaguely remember being told the optic nerves go to, is still there. Everything has a halo around it. it's harder and harder to focus my eyes. i think it's not just eyestrain. so i've got work to give me an eye test voucher. maybe i'll get new glasses

i can't seem to eat normally. i get weird cravings and weirder upset stomachs. nothing sounds good to eat even though everything sounds good to cook.

i used to destress in fandom but lately fandom seems to just be people shrieking at each other about how wrong they are about shit

i can't finish my embroidery and i can't start learning to spin and i can't write and i can't resume my music theory lessons because all of those things hurt my eyes. so.

lets be constructive

get the eyetest. get new glasses.

maybe if my head doesn't hurt my guts won't hurt. maybe if i can embroider again i can write again, maybe i can spin, maybe i can learn about minor keys

one step at a time, huh.

i'm kind of used to the idea that just. something's always hurting, somewhere, and you just keep going. but maybe sometimes i should stop and try to fix what hurts, occasionally

thanks for listening, Brain Horse

love, me

2/Jan/2023

i don't know where else to put the boiling jealousy i have for old friends back home who now have houses and families and support networks, who retained our friendship group because they were allowed to stay, because the circumstances were such that they were able to stay, when i had to leave. so i guess i'll put it here. i'm bitter and lonely. i'm genuinely happy for my friends but at the same time every instagram post makes me want to cry, because they've put down roots and i've been transplanted so many times i'm not sure i will ever be able to.

happy fuckin' new year i guess

24/Dec/2022

it's interesting to me, when i step outside my immediate thoughts and try to think about what i'm thinking, that my primary driver for wanting to move house back to where i was before is that i want to be closer to a specific petshop. i want to be closer to the petshop because i want my dog to be able to continue to go to daycare there, and that would be easier if i was closer. i want her to go to that specific daycare because she likes it there. but also. i want her to go to that specific daycare in that specific petshop because i want to continue to have a reason to visit it. i want to continue to have a reason to visit it because the owners are ragingly queer and they treated me like Family from the second i stepped in there. i don't have much family and i don't have much Family in the city (or any) and i'm lonely.

so. i want to move back to be close to the petshop.